May 14, 2013

A Divine Appointment

As I thought today about how much I was willing to share in this post, I spent some time browsing through my past few posts.  

You guys probably saw the signs before I did.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

I've had this crummy cough for W.E.E.K.S. now.  No congestion.  No snot.  Just a cough.

So I decided yesterday it was time to just bite the bullet and head to the doctor.  (Did I mention that I hate strongly dislike doctors??)

Anyway, I had a terrible time trying to get an appointment, as my doctor left town and I am not "established" anywhere.  I finally got in with the assistant who worked with my previous doctor and thought that would be good enough for now. . .I'd find a new doctor later.

The staff was very friendly!  (The staff with the dr. I wanted to see were kind of stand-offish and smart.)

She walked into the room and. . .

. . .I.  Lost.  It.


Bawled like a baby.

And had no choice but to face reality.

I told her about my cough.  And the low-grade fevers.  And the exhaustion--oh, the exhaustion.

The mood swings.  The exhaustion (oh, yes, that bears mentioning twice).

I wake up more exhausted than I was when I go to sleep.  I go to work, do what I have to do when I have to do it, drive home, and PRAY that I can make it from the van to the recliner.

Then I wait until bedtime, go to bed, and do it all over again.

In a nutshell, I do not care.

About anything.

Randy.  My kids.  My job.  Church.  Food. . .nothing.

I hit rock bottom.

I told Randy that both he and my kids would be better off without me in the way and that I was moving out.

Fortunately, it was Mother's Day and my family kind of treated me extra-special and talked me out of that before the kids knew what I was thinking.

Anyhow, the dr. spent LOTS of time talking to me.  I explained that I had been on anti-depressants since H. was born, but took myself off of them because I did not like being dependent on a drug.  

Her rationale was exactly what I needed.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not mental.

(for those of you who truly know me, stop laughing and stay with me here)

I have a chemical imbalance.

Just like someone with diabetes.  Or high blood pressure.  Things in my body, for whatever reason, aren't producing chemicals the way they used to.

I can live with that.

I suffer from a condition called Depression.

It is a real disease, and it has real side effects.  

It is crippling.  To the point I could care less if my kids have supper or get a bath before going to bed.

I left her office feeling better than I have in over a year.  

On my way to have my blood drawn for routine tests, in another part of the office, I began to wince again.

(Have I mentioned I faint with needles?)

Would you believe I didn't even know the girl had poked me?????  I was STUNNED.

But here's the best part.

I look up to get my paper for the front desk, and you will not believe what I saw. . .

A Bible.

God's holy word, with worn pages and what appeared to be years of use.

I knew, absolutely knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was meant to be in that office with that doctor for such a time as this.

You want to know what I did tonight?  I bought pizza for the kids for dinner (yes, I slacked just one more time) and then I took BOTH kids to Wal-Mart.  I wouldn't have even considered doing that for the past several weeks.

Am I cured?


Probably never will be.

But admitting the problem is half the battle.

And knowing that I am NOT mental and that there IS help out there should I choose to accept it gives me hope.

But more than anything, there is NO doubt that God has had His divine hand on me the entire way. . .even when I deserted Him, He refused to forsake me.

God is good.


Elaine said...

So proud of you! Love ya!

Elaine said...

We are our own worst enemy and hardest critic! So proud of you for doing what you had to in order to be content in this season! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you. As you know we serve a Big God who will always tell you what you need to do and he spoke volumes to you yesterday. Knowing what the problem is and doing something about it is facing the problem head on instead of letting it beat you down. Hang in there it will get better. Love you. Trish

Piper Stephens said...

So thankful for God's directing you to this dr. He has us in the palm of His hand!!
Praying that with the medications, the drs orders and the Lord, you will begin feeling better as the days of summer approach!
He has never left you and HE NEVER WILL!!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles!!
Love ya!!