A Divine Appointment

As I thought today about how much I was willing to share in this post, I spent some time browsing through my past few posts.  

You guys probably saw the signs before I did.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

I've had this crummy cough for W.E.E.K.S. now.  No congestion.  No snot.  Just a cough.

So I decided yesterday it was time to just bite the bullet and head to the doctor.  (Did I mention that I hate strongly dislike doctors??)

Anyway, I had a terrible time trying to get an appointment, as my doctor left town and I am not "established" anywhere.  I finally got in with the assistant who worked with my previous doctor and thought that would be good enough for now. . .I'd find a new doctor later.

The staff was very friendly!  (The staff with the dr. I wanted to see were kind of stand-offish and smart.)

She walked into the room and. . .

. . .I.  Lost.  It.

Literally.

Bawled like a baby.

And had no choice but to face reality.

I told her about my cough.  And the low-grade fevers.  And the exhaustion--oh, the exhaustion.

The mood swings.  The exhaustion (oh, yes, that bears mentioning twice).

I wake up more exhausted than I was when I go to sleep.  I go to work, do what I have to do when I have to do it, drive home, and PRAY that I can make it from the van to the recliner.

Then I wait until bedtime, go to bed, and do it all over again.

In a nutshell, I do not care.

About anything.

Randy.  My kids.  My job.  Church.  Food. . .nothing.

I hit rock bottom.

I told Randy that both he and my kids would be better off without me in the way and that I was moving out.

Fortunately, it was Mother's Day and my family kind of treated me extra-special and talked me out of that before the kids knew what I was thinking.

Anyhow, the dr. spent LOTS of time talking to me.  I explained that I had been on anti-depressants since H. was born, but took myself off of them because I did not like being dependent on a drug.  

Her rationale was exactly what I needed.

I'm not crazy.

I'm not mental.

(for those of you who truly know me, stop laughing and stay with me here)

I have a chemical imbalance.

Just like someone with diabetes.  Or high blood pressure.  Things in my body, for whatever reason, aren't producing chemicals the way they used to.

I can live with that.

I suffer from a condition called Depression.

It is a real disease, and it has real side effects.  

It is crippling.  To the point I could care less if my kids have supper or get a bath before going to bed.

I left her office feeling better than I have in over a year.  

On my way to have my blood drawn for routine tests, in another part of the office, I began to wince again.

(Have I mentioned I faint with needles?)

Would you believe I didn't even know the girl had poked me?????  I was STUNNED.

But here's the best part.

I look up to get my paper for the front desk, and you will not believe what I saw. . .

A Bible.

God's holy word, with worn pages and what appeared to be years of use.

I knew, absolutely knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was meant to be in that office with that doctor for such a time as this.

You want to know what I did tonight?  I bought pizza for the kids for dinner (yes, I slacked just one more time) and then I took BOTH kids to Wal-Mart.  I wouldn't have even considered doing that for the past several weeks.

Am I cured?

Nah.

Probably never will be.

But admitting the problem is half the battle.

And knowing that I am NOT mental and that there IS help out there should I choose to accept it gives me hope.

But more than anything, there is NO doubt that God has had His divine hand on me the entire way. . .even when I deserted Him, He refused to forsake me.

God is good.