True Confessions of a Fat Girl

I do not have any idea why, for the life of me, I would choose to share what I am about to share.

But, I have to.

I recently started a new Bible study:

This is one that I chose to do on my own terms, following a group online.

I'm not sure what I expected from this, but let's just say that I am struggling.

I am struggling not with who I am, but with who I know God could make me to be.

I guess I thought this was going to be the ordinary, run-of-the-mill diet book.

Ha!

Here's the gist:

If I want to conquer, truly conquer my weight and my eating issues, I must re-direct my cravings from FOOD to GOD.

I'll stop and let you read that one more time.

Now, I'm going to admit here in cyberspace for all to see that when I first saw that, I thought it was absolutely ridiculous.

(I've asked God to forgive me already, so don't throw stones there!)

The statement that really got me, though, was this:

"My weight is a direct reflection of my choices and the state of my health." (emphasis mine)

Wow.

That hurt.

Deeply hurt.

Because it is TRUE.

The author stresses that she believes God wired us to "crave."  However, that "craving" is not to be directed to items, TV shows, food, lustful things, etc.  That "craving" should be directed toward Him and only Him.

Interesting concept. . .I was hooked.

The questions that I have been asked to answer throughout this journey so far (I'm only three chapters in--holy cow!!!) have been sooooo tough.  But only because I soooo don't want to be honest.

I am at a definite crossroads in my life.

I weigh more than two "average" humans combined--the most I have ever weighed.

I fail at diets.

I do not like to exercise.

I will not live to see either of my children graduate from high school at my current body weight.

And just when I was ready to put the book down (no point in continuing if I am just going to fail, right??), God showed up.

He's done this to me before. . .

Remember my post on the well???

He's done it again.

Rita wasn't supposed to teach today.

But God. . .

Randy begged me to go to his class with him. . .

But God. . .

Our Sunday School topic for the day was on "the impossible."

And how, with God, there is no "impossible."

Like Sarah having a baby at the age of 90.

Or Moses leading his people through a sea.

Or little David killing a giant with a slingshot and a rock.

Which was a right between the eyes reminder that, regardless of my body weight, with Him, I can overcome.  And I can become healthy again.

And I want that, soooo badly.

But I want to do it different this time.

I am in the process of looking for a counselor. 

No diets, no fads, no pills, no quick fixes.

I want a good, Christian counselor to listen to me.  To share their knowledge with me.  To help me through this journey.

And I am depending on my friends whom I know will read this post to give me their full support. 

And their prayers.

Oh, how I covet their prayers.

I want to get to the root of the problem.  I want to empty my bucket of so many issues and start over with a brand new TarHeel blue bucket that will be filled to the rim with God and his love.  His grace.  His mercy.

I can't do it.

I already know that.

But He can.

For with Him, all things are possible.

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

It's going to be a long road.

I'm not going to be perfect.

But I will experience healing. . .in many different facets of the word.

And I am so excited to see what God will show me along the way.

So please, dear friends, add to your prayer journals this request:

"Pray for the fat girl!"