January 8, 2013

Nothing Fits, Part One

I must admit before I go any further that this post really wasn't intended for anyone else.

It's not cute and fluffy, with a lot of pictures and clipart.

It's more of a rambling of many of the thoughts and emotions going on inside my head (and heart) for a day or two a lot longer than I would care to admit out loud.

Although I am not a fan of writing, it does help me to sort through what I'm feeling and helps me to get in touch with my inner self get a grip.  (And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there knows how I'm feeling).

I.  Don't.  Fit.  In.


Never have.

Never will.

It's kind of like gaining pregnancy weight and your clothes start to get snug, then tight, then unbearable.  . .

I've felt like this from as far back as I can possibly remember.  I've never really been a part of a "clique" in school.  Family gatherings were always uncomfortable because I was always the youngest by about ten years and never seemed to have anything in common with anyone else.  I don't do sports, am not crafty, am not a brainiac, don't stand out, have never been skinny, will never be a fashionista, etc., etc., etc.  (I could go on all day, but I guess it would suffice to say I am as dull as dull gets--a strictly no talent outfit).

I have spent YEARS of my life asking God to send me that one (or two) special people that I could consider true friends--you know, the kind you can have lunch dates with, feel are worth the time to do coffee with, who know your shortcomings and love you anyway.

I have CRAVED that for a long, long, time.  (Sometimes I am not a big fan of God's timing).

Anyway, I've started having those nagging feelings again.  The ones where everywhere I go I feel like people are wondering why I am there--what is she thinking?  She doesn't belong here?  whisper.  whisper.  I feel so out of my league everywhere I go--my classroom, at home, my church pew, my Sunday School class, Wal-M*rt, anywhere I plant my feet, I feel eyes watching me and wondering, "What does she think she's doing here??"

And, I'll be the first to admit, it's starting to hinder my walk with Him.

It's really, really hard (for me anyway) to understand unconditional love.  Love for me has ALWAYS had strings attached.  So I struggle to understand why someone like Christ would love me simply because I'm me.  I know that I am wrong in my thinking here, but it's awfully hard to allow Christ to outweigh the negative when it seems as if  everyone you see and meet are saying (or not saying) the exact opposite.

(Am I the ONLY person that has ever felt like this???)

Anyway, as I cuddled up with my tablet in bed last night, I was perusing my petty overwhelming selection of K*ndle books.  I scrolled up.  And down.  And up.  And down. 

And one book just would not go away. . .

I will share that book and some of the things that God reminded me of in Part Two. . .


Piper said...

I am praying for you Lynn. So many times I feel as if I am alone and I allow the pity party to begin. And when I start focusing on me and my pity... it takes my focus off of the Lord! I have to dig my heels and look towards heaven and turn my focus totally over to Him. Keep looking up Sister!!

Deidre said...

Yep ... what Piper said.

If we're honest, none of us fit in anywhere because I don't believe we're suppose to. Pour your heart and devotion into the Lord and He'll always, always, always work out everything else as it should be.

Kerlick said...

*in my best burke county texas voice* We aint made to fit in we are made to stand out!!! you are fearfully and wonderfully made!!! What you are looking for in a friend you already have in your savior. People will always disappoint you but HE will not! Im weird and Im sure people dont get my quirky personality did I mention that Im weird. Keep your head up and dont let the enemy throw stones at you.

Samantha said...

Oh Lynn, I struggle constantly with this same thing. I feel I don't fit in and I am always comparing myself to other women who seem to have it all together. I know from experience though that when I focus on Him this is not a struggle but when my eyes get off of Him, Satan sneaks in and puts doubts in my mind. Stay in His word! Praying for u! Love ya!